Her name was Camille.

Last night, exactly three weeks after we lost our baby, we got the results of the DNA testing from our doctor.

We found out that our baby was a little girl, and we were going to name her Camille. The miscarriage was the result of a "spontaneous chromosomal abnormality" that was "incompatible with human life." In other words, our little Cam, or Cami, or Millie was never going to make it.  She had an extra set of chromosomes (69xxx) and her death in-utero was just a matter of time.  We feel very blessed that we found out that we lost our baby so early (at 11 weeks) instead of the more typical timeline with this type of chromosome abnormality that can occur late into the 2nd trimester.  Losing her was a terrible loss, but losing her at 20 weeks would've been much worse.  At this point, we are just happy that we had her as long as we did.

All-in-all, we remain grateful for what we have...optimistic for the future...thankful to everyone for the support...and in awe of the miracle of life.

Finally, some GREAT news

You know, if it weren't for the lows, then you couldn't appreciate the highs.  We all need the yin and the yang. So, the things on this list would normally just be good news, but in light of recent events, they are GREAT news to the Schneider family.

First and foremost, the pre-school battle has ended, and the Schneiders are victorious!  It was a long, hard fight consisting of research, observations, interviews, applications, fees, and more to find our perfect pre-school and we got our top choice. Josie will be attending Xavier University's Montessori Lab School beginning this fall.  It's a true montessori, peanut-free, centrally-located, well-priced and serves a diverse student population.  And, it's a beautiful, nurturing environment. In short, it meets all of our criteria and more!  Josie was one of 9 kids chosen out of about 80 applicants. Obviously, we couldn't be more excited.  

We got this letter just two days after her "interview" and we jumped up and down like she had just been accepted into Harvard! It's a little bittersweet that our baby girl is starting school in the fall, but she's ready and we know this is going to be a really special experience for her.

In other great news, Josie is officially diaper-free! I hate to use the term "potty-trained" because it sounds like something you do to a dog, but she uses the big potty now and it's pretty wonderful.  Really, it was yet another reminder not to force Josie into anything she wasn't ready for. She thought she was ready a few months ago (and so did we) but she was resistant to actually using the toilet. But, once she was really ready, it was a breeze.  No stickers, no candy, no charts, no muss, no fuss. She only had two "accidents" and since then it's been smooth-sailing.  Again, a little bittersweet that she's "all grown up" but we're proud of her, and it's been a real learning experience for us and reminder to follow her lead.

Gosh, maybe I should change the title of this post to "Finally, some BITTERSWEET news" because this next also inspires some mixed emotions.  Josie is* finally* sleeping through the night. Honestly, I'm not exaggerating when I say that the last week or so has been the first time since she was born that she has slept a full-night without needing Louie or I.  I haven't shared the full realities of our sleep battles over the blog, because it really isn't something anyone could understand unless they had gone through it and most advice, although well-intentioned, was often rooted in the belief that Lou & I were somehow doing something "wrong." Anyway, suffice it to say, we have spent the better part of 2 1/2 years living very sleep-deprived lives.  As it turns out, we finally stopped "forcing naps" upon Josie and our lives have drastically changed as a result. She now sleeps from about 8p to 8a without so much as a peep. It's a beautiful thing! Although, I must say, Louie & I miss her terribly.  For the last 2 1/2 years, we spent at least part of every night either with Josie snuggling between the two of us in our bed or one of us tangled up with her in her bed. Even though the last two years of broken sleep and big, overnight tears were emotionally and physically taxing, I wouldn't trade a night of it for the fact that we got so much extra cuddling time with her.  Now that we're on the other side of it, I'm glad that we stuck to the attachment parenting philosophies that we believe in, because they definitely saw us through what was a very difficult period and we came out of it closer to Josie than ever.

So, sorry for all the writing and not many pictures. I promise there are a TON of photos coming soon. We had a really amazing weekend with our friends from college & their kiddos that generated lots of good ones(remember those great Madison photos?). I'll get those up later this week.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with one random photo from last week. Josie was "signing" a card with her name and actually wrote a real, legible "O", "I", and "E".  We couldn't believe it, so I gave her another blank piece of paper and asked her to write her name. Drumroll please... here it is!

(Big O in the middle, with an E on top of an I next to it.) 
She's going to have her own blog before we know it!

Quick Quotes & Super Smiles

Leave it to Josie to bring the comic relief we needed over the past couple of weeks. Here are a few quick quotes and funny moments. Just for fun, I'm sprinkled in some great pics of our sweet little girl over the last week or so. Just try to get through this post without cracking a smile...

Carissa asked Josie what kind of boyfriend she should look for.  Josie's response: "One that is nice, pays attention, and is beautiful." 

Josie to Lou and I as she stuck a certain feminine hygiene product to the bottoms of her bare feet, "I'm going ice skating."  We obliged and were pretty impressed out how well they worked for "ice skating" across the bamboo floors. When she wins Olympic gold, I'll be sure to tell this story to Bob Costas in our interview.

Lou bought some My Little Ponies off of ebay for Josie and a friend to share. She was busy styling their hair because she said they were going somewhere. When I asked her where she said, "They're going to Pony Whole Foods." 

 

Josie to me from the backseat when she heard me telling Louie on the phone that I was totally lost: "Don't worry Mommy, you'll find it. Don't give up." 

Josie to me, "Mommy, can I have another smoochy candy?" (It took me a minute to figure out what she wanted was a Hershey's kiss.)

A couple of nights ago I was cuddling Josie before bed and she asked me if I was cold.  I said, "I'm not cold; I'm just cuddling you because I love you."  Then she said, "I love you, too. You're my best friend because you are my mommy." 

Last night, we were reading a book with an American flag in it. Josie pointed to it and said, "There's the Obama flag!"  (I can't tell you how proud I was about that one.)

Chin up, chin up

Things are looking up at the Schneider House! Thanks again for all the love and kindness over the past two weeks.  We haven't gotten a chance to personally respond individually to all the cards, emails, and messages but we hope to soon. Thanks!
Here's a collage of Josie from the zoo a couple of weekends ago.  There are lots of super-smiley Josie photos coming soon.  (Oh and some good news too - which is certainly a welcomed change!)

It's funny how my brain has gone back to the comforts of childhood this week. I've literally been stuck between songs from Charlotte's Web and songs from Annie all week.  Wilbur won out for this post...

Chin up, chin up
Put a little laughter in your eyes
Brave it, save it
Even though you're feeling otherwise
Rise up, wise up
Make a little smile begin
You'll be happy hearted
Once you get it started

Up with your chinny chin chin!

On Gratitude & Loss

"When you are grateful, 

fear disappears

and abundance appears..."

Anthony Robbins

I keep telling myself that it's only been a week. But it's amazing how quickly my body changed back into pre-baby condition, the nausea went away, and my pants started zipping again.  Louie and I both returned to work yesterday after what was a week honestly spent mostly in bed. I was on some pretty strong medication and still recovering from heavy anesthesia and an allergic reaction to medication during surgery, so most of last week is a big hazy, teary-eyed blur.  Thank goodness for Carissa who has earned her "Supernanny" badge now more than ever. Josie's week was pretty much normal. She knew something was different since we stayed in bed all day, but Carissa kept things very normal for her otherwise.  And it was Josie who kept us closely focused on all that we have to be grateful for rather than all that we had lost.  

Yesterday, I noticed that I was feeling more abundance than I've felt in a long time. If you would've asked me if that would be the case this time last week, I never would've believed you.  But a strange thing happened over the last 7 days.  We lost our baby and we lost our dream of the way we always thought our lives would turn out, but we gained something pretty substantial in return.  The outpouring of support from so many people - from friends, from family and from total strangers - has completely changed the way we see the world. In the last week we have learned who are true friends really are and who we can count on. We have learned that people we don't talk to very much anymore actually think of us quite often. We've learned that so many people we know have experienced unimaginable loss and pain in ways that our experience can only begin to approach.  We've learned that we are not alone. And most importantly, we've learned to count our blessings.  Thank you so much to everyone for everything.  We've read every email, smelled every flower, opened every card, listened to every message and soaked up each and every one.  

Just last night, I looked down at my arm to see the big bruise left from my IV at the hospital.  It was a reminder to me that my body (and my heart) are still healing. There's no doubt that we will always grieve for what we lost last week, but we're not afraid anymore.  We've lost a lot, but we've gained even more. And for that, we're eternally grateful. 

Let it be....

"And when the night is cloudy, 
there is still a light, 
that shines on me,

shine until tomorrow,
let it be..."

 Yesterday, on March 9th, 2010 we said goodbye to the tiny baby we never knew.  We said goodbye to the little soul that was going to mean a bigger family for us, a sibling for sweet Josephine, and the "reward" for our year-long battle with infertility.  Yesterday was the hardest day of our lives.  But, today as we woke up with Josie laying in between us, the sun finally shining over Cincinnati, and three little birds singing on our window's ledge, we know that everything is going to be alright.
The last eleven weeks have been filled with unbelievable highs and lows - from sitting in the doctor's office at the end of January and launching a plan for confronting our problems conceiving, to finding out just two days later that I was miraculously already pregnant, to sharing the news with close friends and family around my birthday, to gladly welcoming the unbelievable nausea that meant a viable pregnancy, to seeing our baby's heartbeat not even a week ago, and to losing what was never really ours just yesterday.
There is no doubt that just as grief and loss are a part of life, that everyone handles this experience differently.  For us, we are comforted by facing these realities head-on, accepting the generous help and support that so many have lovingly offered to us, focusing on all that we have to be grateful for, and clinging to the promise of a brighter day ahead.
Thank you to everyone for your kindness, support, love, messages of healing and encouragement, thoughts and prayers.
And - for those of you who ask how our sweet Josephine is handling this - I will share that it is the simple wisdom of a child that can get us through times like these.  When she noticed just moments ago that my "baby belly" was gone, she asked innocently, "Where did your baby go?"  "It is gone," I said.  "Why?" she wondered aloud.  I told her whatever came out next, as we had planned to talk to her about this later tonight and she totally caught me off-guard.  "Sometimes things just happen, and we will never understand why."  "It's okay mommy" she said.  And she's right...

Visit with Grandma & DD

Last weekend Lou & I had two parties in the same night (gasp!) and Josie was begging for a trip to her grandparents to see her new Mickey Mouse dry erase marker table, so the stars were aligned.  Each time Josie gets better and better about spending the night away from us, and this was the first time that I really noticed that we said we were leaving and she was like, "Okay...bye!"  It was great.  The other big surprise was that we didn't have a drop of snow on the ground in Cincinnati, but their house in Xenia had been hammered. A couple of quick trips to Goodwill and a consignment shop and Josie had secured the last snowsuit, coat and boots for sale in all of Greene County. We headed home and Josie joined her Granddaddy (ahem, the Master Plasterer) with all of his plastering tools to build the mega-snowman in the front yard.  Special thanks to Grandma for capturing this special afternoon!

 

 

 

As if the snowman weren't enough excitement for one visit, Grandma had other plans. In fact, Grandma and Josie had already planned earlier in the week by phone that they were going shopping at the mall on Saturday. Josie had it in her head the Grandma was going to buy her shorts, so we're all glad that Grandma came through.  Here's a spring preview of Josie in her first pair of shorts for the year (4T-crazy!) and her very first pair of high-tops. Check her out!

Thanks Grandma & DD for a great weekend for Josie and an evening out with friends and full night's sleep for us!

Progress from our little Picasso

Big thanks to Josie's art teacher Marianne for capturing this fun moment at our family art class last week.  Since I have every Friday off of work, I get to spend this special time with Josie each week. She's come a long way from getting grossed out about a drop of paint on her fingers. As you can see here, she ditched the paintbrush and went in with her hands - which quickly turned into paint all the way up to her elbows!

"Spring" Break

Hey folks, just checking in for a quickie. Carissa is on spring break, we're neck-deep in trying to find Josie a next-to-impossible-spot in preschool for the fall (who knew you were supposed to get on the waiting list at conception?!?!), and we're putting our condo back on the market this week. So....what I'm trying to say here is...thanks for your patience.  Oh and did I mention Josie has now declared herself ready to use the potty?